Why I'm just as stupid as IJL: Part One

I've been knocking IJL for their inability to choose anyone even remotely compatible with me (n=2...a bit harsh, perhaps). However, recently I was reminded that I have not exactly made stellar selections when left to my own devices, and the consequences of those personal errors in judgment are greater. With IJL, the advantage is that I'm only committed to one date, and I don't have any preconceptions about the person I'm meeting. We have little information about each other, so all decisions going forward are based on that one date. Little time has been lost, so there's no compulsion to give it a second chance if it didn't go that well.

But online dating is more of a time waster. As those of you who have attempted it know, getting to that first date can take a lot of work. First, you wink at each other -- I assume this is so that you don't waste time composing a brilliant and witty letter, only to be summarily rejected because your target identified something objectionable in your photo. As an aside -- when I made such rejections, that "something objectionable" consisted of (these are only two examples -- there are many more): (a) photo taken sans shirt, while shiny and flexing, and (b) photo taken in bed, nude, with the sheet artfully arranged as low as possible on the hips (and yes, this last was a man...I mean, wtf?). Admittedly, I have also hesitated at photos that include children, as 2 of the 3 options regarding the origin of those children are deal breakers (he has children, or he molests them).

Then you progress past the winks, and one of you breaks the ice with the first email. You send artfully crafted missives for awhile, designed to paint yourself as a witty, brilliant, wealthy entrepreneur (or, you know, whatever). At some point, the guy suggests talking on the phone; the next logical infinitesimal step in online dating. I guess that a man doesn't want to appear too overeager to set up a date he met online, because the potential date might think he is an (anxious) serial killer. But let's be honest -- after you've gotten to a point where you've bothered to send a couple of emails, the phone is a stupid, irrelevant stepping stone. If he's held back his homicidal predilections on email, he can probably manage on the phone, too.

So instead, I generally suggest a date, and I pick a public, safe, convenient place to meet. I inform a few friends of my plans (in case one dies in a fiery car crash the same night that I am kidnapped by said date), and we see what happens. But think about it -- by the end of this match.com first date, I've invested a lot of time. All that winking and careful emailing on top of the date really takes a lot out of you; and don't forget all the time spent on potential dates that didn't make it this far. It's sort of like drug development -- it doesn't cost $1B to develop a single drug, but the true cost of taking a drug to market has to factor in the cost of all the drugs that made the heads of the healthy subjects swell to three times their normal size in Phase I safety trials. Further, if we've bothered to set up a date, there was something (contrived or not) that we liked about each other. So generally, I agree to a second date, even if the first didn't go that well. Just in case that witty, brilliant entrepreneur needs some time to come out of his shell.

Anyway, like I said, left to my own devices on an online dating site, I can waste a lot more time. I've rambled enough, so I'll wait until my next post to give an excellent example of this...

Feedback on Date #2 (AKA: IJL hasn't bothered to arrange another date yet)

After date #2, IJL called to obtain feedback on C; even though it was my second date, this was my first feedback call. I'm not really surprised that they didn't ask me about H, date #1; go back and read "Dumas and Diarrhea" if it surprises you. I suspect that every woman who had the misfortune to be set up with him has already said everything there is to say.

My feedback conversation was with yet another IJL staffer. So now I have someone who interviewed me (and then vanished); someone who calls to tell me about a new date and set up a time to meet him (or, more correctly, doesn't); and a third someone who takes my feedback. It's nice to have three people working for me, but I could also look at it as a complete lack of continuity. Given that they can't even organize my dates properly, what do you think the odds are that they are pulling all of this information together into a full analysis for each client? I'd wager it's about the odds of getting struck by lightning in my lifetime (is anyone else surprised that they are 1 in 3000? I might be giving IJL too much credit.).

Anyway, I don't think I did very well with the feedback on C. If you read that post, you would see that there wasn't anything WRONG with him, exactly. IJL: "So, did you find him attractive?" Me: "Well, no, not really, umm..." (not mentioning the eye, not mentioning the eye). IJL: "What did you find unattractive about him?" This is where I fumbled -- I really wanted to say that he was geeky (steering clear of the eye...did I mention the eye?). But I couldn't bring myself to say that, so I tried to dance around it. "Err...I guess, I mean, maybe he wasn't enough of a guy?" She latched onto that. "OK then, you want someone more manly." Me: "Umm...ok sure." IJL: "More of a guy's guy." Me: Oh fuck. Is that really what I ...I don't even like sports, really. "Right, exactly!" IJL: " And did you and C have anything in common that appealed to you?" Me: "Well, yes, he likes to travel. Though I guess he hasn't really traveled yet, he's just looking forward to it..." IJL: "So you want someone who has already traveled? More worldly, maybe?"

Then I just gave up. It's hard, when my company's director of finance is in the office next door, and we are separated only by paper-thin walls. I always know when his daughter is sick; how long will it take him to figure out what I'm talking about, and how embarrassing is that?

So this is where we end up for date #3. More manly, a "guy's guy." More worldly. Does anyone want to hazard a guess as to who I might encounter on my next date? On the positive end of the spectrum, he could be an Olympian. On the opposing, less desirable end, he could be a wife beater who was dragged from country to country in his childhood because his father was in the military. And yeah, he really resents that. Never had a chance to make friends because they never settled down, so he had to make his own friends. That's how he got to know Harvey, the giant rabbit who whispers homicidal suggestions in his ear...well. If you don't hear from me soon, you'll know what happened.